It's alright to....

It's alright to feel things.

Living in a house with mental health issues tends to make you shy away from emotions, especially strong ones.

 I sometimes need to remind myself that it's okay to be upset/ angry/sad or anxious.

When you live with a suicidal depressive, an anxious, autistic(maybe?) school refuser and a severe asthmatic with body dismorphia and anxiety it's actually more dysfunctional not to end up a gibbering mess on a semi regular basis.

So my resolution for 2021 is to embrace what I feel, no longer try and repress it.

They are normal feelings, I am normal.

So don't be surprised if I'm to be found crying in a corner occasionally.

TTFN X

Happy New Year.

Well it's 2021.

Everyone is saying here's to a better year but the truth is even if covid vanishes overnight my life won't change much.

New Years Eve we had one small hissy fit from the girl. This time instigated by , as far as I could see, by me letting her brother have the garlic doughballs. Jesus's wept.

We managed to smooth that over by the Bells. Then played Cards Against Humanity.

A very Different New Year.

The 1st was quiet, Thank God. Tho Pete needed some cajoling.

.

Roll around the 2nd. 

I get up, sort out a wash, carry it thru and machine is full of wet laundry. 

Tell girl that it wasn't her turn and we have another hissy fit.

Hence I'm in here writing this while counting to 3 trillion.

I may resort to comfort eating my way out of today!

See you on the other side x

Tired and happy.

It's just turned Boxing Day.

I'm sat on the sofa having just finished watching Little Women and the surprising thing is, I'm content. This is a rare state.

We did pressies, ate, watched tv, everyone was happy. Even me. 

I didn't get the charm I wanted but I got my pendant and 2 other lovely charms off my wish list. They just weren't suitable for my pendant.

He tries, he just doesn't remember or remembers the thing I said I hated which means I get a lot of gifts I really didn't want, although that's not a new thing. 

My engagement ring was identical to my previous one and that was 23 years ago.

I need to learn to have zero expectations. Especially at the moment, Pete has such a hard time with everything. 

It can be really hard and soul destroying. I can feel so unloved and invisible which my sensible head knows isn't true but my insecure inner child doesn't.

Anyway. Christmas Day was a good day with us having normal family time.

Normal! Ordinary! Such a rare and happy thing.

Christmas

Well. It's Christmas morning 2020.

A bit of a different day than usual but that's fine. 

I'm the only one up just now, waiting. 

Very different from Christmases when the kids were young. 

I'm taking the time to chill before it all starts. 

Keeping my fingers crossed today ends better than yesterday

We had my Mum over last night which was lovely. Unfortunately it finished unhappily when the grown woman child had a full on tantrum when I sent her brother for a shower when she wanted to have one.

The worst thing about living in a dysfunctional household is the guilt you feel when you lose your temper. That and hiding your own trauma from the whole stuation. 

I had spent all day cleaning, wrapping and cooking then when I want help, She can't breathe and Himself has a sore back. Boy admittedly helped and ran the hoover around.

Finally sat down, enjoying a Christmas movie and a wee vino then it all kicks off.

By the time the tears, slamming and suicidal threats (seriously) was over her brother was out the shower and she was refusing to have one. God help me.

She got told to grow up and act her age in no uncertain terms. This seemed to work as she did shower. Not how I want to be at Christmas ( or ever)!

Ended up with my hand spasming up, my rib throbing and hips screaming on top of wanting to cry.

So reset for today, accept that I'm not getting my dining table back (long story), and hopefully today will be better.

Merry Christmas Universe x